Feeling good vs looking good
So many assume that anyone who is wanting to lose weight is because they want to LOOK good, rather than FEEL good; and for me personally, I have zero desires to get myself as thin as my German frame and 5’0″ stature would allow. I don’t use fitness for vane-gain. A “nice body” is nothing more than a temporary perk, but it doesn’t speak for my motives of turning my situation around. I use Polykinetics to keep my body strong, my mind sharp, and as my outlet to the daily negatively that is out of my control; I am pro-healthy. Due to my disorders, I felt that I had wasted many years of my life obsessing over a toxic body ideology and a sole goal of being “thin”, and it was literally killing me…..inside and out.
Before I became a mother, I had spent 18 months literally working my ass off for a popular clothing company since, our then store manager, reminded our new team that if we didn’t stay “fit” or lose weight whilst working there, that we would be dismissed since she took that as a blunt sign of an employee slacking on the job….so 18 months and 97lbs later, TADA! — “Thin” for the first time really in my life, but I was simply just that...physically thin, I lacked physical strength. I didn’t feel any physically stronger than I did before losing the weight. In fact, I felt much more frail and vulnerable. My confidence went up and my anxiety went up with it because now I am attracting an awful lot of attention, and with my social anxiety, the attention just fueled the panic, but I felt deep inside me that something was “missing” from what was supposed to be a cure-all to all my problems, and that was that physical strength. I dismissed my insecurities since I was merely excited to not be viewed as “fat” in the general society. In their eyes, I was healthy, but in mine, I was anything but!
Fast forwarding…..2009, I got pregnant. Yep, I was about to “lose” my 18+ months of hard retail work and my “thin” looking body in order to bring a healthy baby into the world, and still to this day, it was the best sacrifice I ever made. I gained over 100lbs with my daughter due to medical complications and a high-risk pregnancy. As much as I was a proud new mom, the 19-year obsession of getting back to “thin” began to settle in about a year after she was born; which would take me on the same horrible, mental and emotional rollercoaster I knew all too well of.
That was when I decided in January 2013 to do something completely different than what I did in the past, and to take my perspective of health and fitness in the “the opposite way”. Not to fight to be “thin” again, but to become something I felt I had never been before……..HEALTHY! First step in doing that was realizing that thin did not equal being physically fit or mentally strong, and to eliminate the garbage mentality that mainstream LOVES to shove down our throats! First step in changing my body and life, was to change the toxic perspectives that I am more than guilty of having.
Being healthy and fit isn't a "one size fits all" aspect of life. I’ve done Polykinetics demonstrations in fitness centers where clients were sometimes up towards 20-25lbs lighter than me, but struggled twice as hard to complete workouts that seemed effortless to myself. It was a nice visual confirmation, not only for me, but for the gym clients as well. Proving that just because someone appears to be thin doesn’t mean their body is fit or their mind for that matter, and just the opposite, just because someone looks “fatter” than you doesn’t mean you are healthier than they are.
Even today, when people look at me…….some would call me fit, and some still call me fat, but either way, neither side can deny the physical signs that I show (not tell) that says, “yea, she does squats” and "yea, she is genuinely a positive person" –It’s a feeling I haven’t had before creating Polykinetics. It was the feeling of fitness-derived empowerment! A pride in KNOWING that I had consciously chosen to step-up and physically subject myself to extended periods of pain-induced time in order to GAIN a healthy and fit life. The best part was that I knew I didn't need a completely flat looking stomach or a bikini to validate that feeling. It was already there, and it was powerful!
My past experiences told me that this time around, if I want to sustain my physical strength and feelings of empowerment, regardless of the size tag in my clothes, that I would have to physically put forth the time and effort and physically fight for it.
Therefore……..I did and still do everyday. I know this is a lifelong process of small constant improvements, and this is how I am going to do it.
My down-to-earth balanced confidence is now a feeling I get to experience every single time I push the play button on my playlist or even just walking out in public. I may not be unanimously “thin” in society’s eyes, and that’s perfectly fine with me, because in my eye’s….I am finally where I’ve always wanted to be after 20 years of searching……healthier than what I used to be...both inside and out! And this is where I am happiest.
#bodyimage #weightloss #toxicmentality #lifechanges #fattofit #happiness