Recovered from the attack, still fighting the war.


I was officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) in 2005...I was 21, but I first started showing profound symptoms between 8-10 years old. So 11 years being told I was a shitty minded person with a shitty perspective on life, im a pessimist because of my complaining, the accusations are endless really, and worst of all, I believed what my family was telling me, which allowed my illness to grow in strength and spiral out of control from sad/mad to devastating to debilitating. I still hold some resentments towards my family to this day and are tried and true sources to use during my personal sessions.

Quick back story..... Same old song as the rest.....grew up in a violent environment, bullied at school, beaten at home....so I am not shocked this is what happened as a consequence of those events, but what made tough become unbearable were the lies I was told in hopes of appeasing my concern of what was happening in my brain and being shamed for not "choosing to think happy thoughts". My whole family is not well educated on neurology or psychology, so to them, it's all 100% will-power, which we all know is 100% false. The worst part is there is ZERO communication about what anyone is experiencing...let alone myself. We are forced to suffer and recover in solitude, in isolation, simply because it OFFENDS OR UPSETS someone else. This is a huge problem that TENS OF MILLIONS are still struggling with as I write this.

I can say I struggled with Major Depression and depressive episodes all the way until August 2017 when I knew my condition was at a dire state and that it had become a life or death situation, so I went into the hospital for a complete extensive evaluation because my current plan was obviously not working. So I was placed on a new treatment plan, new medications and a new doctor..well...nurse practitioner (same damn thing) and I will never forget the 1st question she asked me when I met with her after leaving the hospital, "Do you agree with your diagnoses?" and it was the 1st time in over 17 years has anyone ever asked me my perspective about MY experiences, and it changed the game for me. This nurse was not about putting a bandaid on a bullet wound, but at locating sources and looking to see if these maladative wiring aka disorders in the brain can be successfully and permanently changed back to being adaptive; thus "curing" the disorder. Im curious about this as well.

That is the current debate....can you heal completely from a disorder like Major Depression, or is it like herpes in the sense that once you have it, that's it, youll be struggling with it for life. No one knows yet with 100% certainty and God knows, I don't want to continue living in the fear that I could have another debilitating attack that can last for months on end. This is a fear I hold onto daily, but it's also the motivation behind why I work so hard at my recovery from all aspects....mentally and physically. A big reason why I chose to create Polykinetics. Healing the mental through the physical.

They are intertwined, all connected making recovery a dualistic process that is different from one person to the next. To date: I haven't had a major depressive episode since early spring 2017. One full year, virtually symptom free and consistently on antidepressants with no time gaps. I never thought I would ever experience an existence that wasnt dictated by the depression, but yet I am. Learning how to relive and relearn is tough, but in doing so, I will prevent a lot of perpetuated dysfunction from affecting my daughter, her kids, their kids...and so on.

I have hope that my recovery will continue to progress, but again, the fear of knowing how my empathy (one trait I love about myself) could be the very thing that triggers another depressive episode. I can't turn off the intensity of my emotions...I can't "tone it down"....even though everyone else thinks I can. Thats like trying to prevent a sneeze. That's the only fear I have living with Major Depression, other than that....Im very optimistic for my future.


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