It's one thing to fight for something you've always wanted and never had, but it's another to have actually succeeded in getting what you've always wanted, and then lose it. I had succeeded well past my own expectations and it was beautiful. I did the so-called impossible, and I was basking in that sunlight, but then, somewhere, somehow, I lost it. I returned right back to my original starting point and it is the ultimate feeling of defeat. I hate myself, I hold resentment, anger, impatience and act cruelly towards myself for allowing myself to fail. I had discovered a way to overcome these types of self-destructing emotions, and when I realized the potency of what I had discovered, I ran with it. I kicked ass non-stop for nearly 4 months straight. An eagle eyed focus the whole way, and I had made it through with the blood, sweat and tears that it cost me. I MADE IT!
But then, not long after, I lost it....all. I fell, and that fall was so devastating to me, it destabilized my entire rebuilt foundation and new found ideals. My mind instantly began doubting what I knew in my heart to be true, yet, I hesitate to simply dust myself off and get back up again......and I don't know why. I'm being held back by a wall I have built, but cannot see. I've asked myself "why" a million times. --And more importantly, I continue to ask myself, why am I letting that wall prevent me from getting back what I once had. What in the hell am I waiting for?!?
This is the part of my journey I am currently at. --Trying to figure out if I have the strength to endure all that I did before......all over again.