Updated: Aug 27, 2020
It's one thing to fight for something you've always wanted and never had, but it's another to have actually succeeded in getting what you've always wanted, and then lose it. I had succeeded well past my own expectations and it was beautiful. I did the so-called impossible, and I was basking in that sunlight, but then, somewhere, somehow, I lost it. I returned right back to my original starting point and it is the ultimate feeling of defeat. I hate myself, I hold resentment, anger, impatience and act cruelly towards myself for allowing myself to fail. I had discovered a way to overcome these types of self-destructing emotions, and when I realized the potency of what I had discovered, I ran with it. I kicked ass non-stop for nearly 4 months straight. An eagle eyed focus the whole way, and I had made it through with the blood, sweat and tears that it cost me. I MADE IT!
But then, not long after, I lost it....all. I fell, and that fall was so devastating to me, it destabilized my entire rebuilt foundation and new found ideals. My mind instantly began doubting what I knew in my heart to be true, yet, I hesitate to simply dust myself off and get back up again......and I don't know why. I'm being held back by a wall I have built, but cannot see. I've asked myself "why" a million times. --And more importantly, I continue to ask myself, why am I letting that wall prevent me from getting back what I once had. What in the hell am I waiting for?!?
This is the part of my journey I am currently at. --Trying to figure out if I have the strength to endure all that I did before......all over again.