Updated: Feb 19, 2021
“What in the f*ck are you thinking?”
This is currently the #1 question I’m asked right now at this point in time….and…..what I can say is that I’m 100% compelled and committed to see this journey through. I’ve never been so terrified in all my life, and I’ve been through a lot.
I’ve spent DECADES exposing myself to the very things that terrify me.
Grocery shopping….big parties….large crowds….new people….new places…..being 100% out of my element. Been there . Done that.
Nothing has scared me as much as this other than flashing my silly “thank you” sign to Tony Robbins at his UPW event (best reaction ever….MADE MY YEAR!!)
Anyway….this move to Australia tops that in terms of fear intensity level.
Yea I have a lot of fears, A LOT, but I feel any rational minded person would, but again, I can’t ignore this intense “pull” I’m feeling which is exactly why I feel, although super imperfectly, I’m slowly taking the thousands of steps it’s going to take to get me on the other side of the world…..and then BOOM….another fear….the fear of relapse under pressure or self-inflicted expectations not aligned with my abilities and goals.
It’s a lot and I’ve been crying a lot. Writing a lot. Thinking way too damn much….and yet…..as I write this. I’m still compelled.
Even through the criticism continues to roll in from every direction doubting my intentions and belittling my goal: build a life that can be lived on my own terms and provide opportunities for my daughter that I cannot offer her in this environment.
Meaning I can work without fear of losing my job simply because my one boss doesn’t like my personality or weird yet effective ways of doing simple things and actually making real progress for it. Not being shamed or shunned like what has happened in the past. Different country, different culture, different experience. Of course not without the expected bumps and bruises along the way.
It comes with the territory
Why is taking risks important?
Working for my last company landed me in the hospital for a week due to the level of toxicity being ignored from one day to the other on EVERY LEVEL (not just upper management...even the janitor kept quiet out of fear) that many, not just myself, tried diligently to work against or even with.
The people within their positions were so toxic it triggered a complete mental breakdown for me, which resorted in multiple high-dose anti-depressants and some medications myself nor the pharmacist couldn't even pronounce.
Since I think this way, I’m naturally named, shamed, discredited and discarded. Like I stand for and mean nothing, and worst of all, that my efforts mean nothing. Another bullshit belief constantly imposed on me by others that I successfully dismiss on a daily basis simply because I have no choice in the matter. If I don't push forth, I fall back and that end game is bad news bears for everyone, particularly myself and immediate family.
Not to complain to intensely...I am one of the lucky ones. The regimen, although it left me with some body damage to heal from, ultimately saved my brain and I was able to recover fully after constant treatments (which included using Polykinetics) over the course of 4 years and support from the few that do have love and light for me.
I know better than to stay in toxic environments and around toxic ass influences like that.
Living as I currently do, alone, is difficult, however, the people and places I left who had control over my comforts and decisions were potentially dangerous in terms of their impact on my mental health.
No thank you.
I chose to take the path with a hell of a lot less material comfort and tons more uncertainty for inner peace and a sense of freedom I have in my life that I never had before. Like they say, "to get what you've never had, you've got to do things you've never done".
That’s why I lived.
I don’t ever want to have to endure that level of toxicity ever again, and moving to Australia could very well be the extreme catalytic factor needed to make that very simple dream become a profound reality for not just myself, but for my family as well.