For the last couple weeks, I have been slowly mapping out the details to eventually produce my very first public training workshop (planned for May), and as an ironic gesture, I'll be holding it in the same town where a lot of my pain began. My emotions are all over.....nervous, scared, excited....all at once! I continue to doubt the stability of my own sanity at this point (non stop anxiety), but I'm compelled, obsessively, to keep pursuing it with absolutely no damn idea where it'll lead. I have plans and ideas, but no certainties.
A workshop like this had been a monumental goal of mine with Polykinetics for the last 6 years, however, my social anxiety would always seem to get so severe, progress would always end up halting and then be pushed to the back burner of my mind---I am hoping, praying and pleading that this workshop will be the magical moment that helps me PERMANENTLY overcome my social anxiety disorder. I have tried dozens of times of confronting my anxiety in the past (exposure therapy), but this crap has remained as persistent as my ambition to overcome it. I just can't seem to shake it; and bringing forth something as odd-ish as Polykientics just amplifies the intensity.
Real quick, allow me to clarify that my social anxiety complications do not come from poor self-esteem on my part. I am a very confident individual, which is why I am able to be as functional as I am, day after day, even though I struggle severely with anxiety. My social anxiety stems from being bullied by so many different people, and the consequence of that is growing up thinking/feeling/believing that "everyone is a potential physical threat to my well being, and if they don't like me, they'll attack me" because that's how it was in school with my bullies---I would be attacked out of nowhere and presumably for no reason---so yes, my anxiety derives from the perspective of personal safety, not coddling my ego. I want to create an incredible experience, but not at the expense of my personal safety.
One small aspect that is keeping me going right now in taking "major" risks (in my perspective)......the outpouring of interested people who want to attend the workshop. It's exciting to see people excited about a technique that I created in my kitchen after a really bad fight with my ex-husband. Who knew? In the first day of announcing my plans to have a workshop, I had a dozen messages wanting to sign up. So let's hope for an amazing turnout and even more amazing feedback from those attending; not to mention, hopefully, the official death of my social anxiety once and for all!