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Not everyday can be sunshine and spring flowers

The hardest part about my condition is going from feeling everything so intensely (positive and negative emotions) to not feeling anything at all (apathy/numbness/PMI). I struggle with trying to decide which one is more physically and mentally painfully daunting to endure. It's still pretty 50/50 for me honestly....others may feel differently.

To me, they are both equally devastating if left unchecked and unprocessed. Hence why I use these silly ass simple workouts to help pump as much extra oxygen into my body and brain whenever with the small bit of energy I do physically possess since keeping myself active allows my mind to focus on a physical task (working out) while the mental side gets to process all of the sources of the emotional pain....yes there's usually always more than one source with the exception of a traumatic experience (loss of a loved one) where a single event could destroy everything we hold near and dear.

For some reason today I couldn't stop crying.

Off and on but all damn day. From the time I wrote my blog post this morning to me writing this blog post right now, and it's to the point that I'm even too embarrassed to even answer my phone when my partner called me a little bit ago. I didn't want him to hear me in this state...voice all groggy and broken, the sniffling from my nose and clogged sinuses along with my semi-swollen eyes for crying for literally hours on end so yea far from sexy right now. I'm not ready for him to see that side of me. Not yet.

The worst part is that when I cry, I'm not only crying from intense sadness but from anger as well because I can't stand up and defend myself the way I REALLY want to, and for me, that is a beyond frustrating and a big red flag that I'm overwhelmed and need to take a step back in order to see the bigger picture. To remind myself to not get so sucked into the super small bullshit details that I end up losing myself to the slightest distraction. It tends to trigger the A.D.H.D. that I'm working on dealing with without the use of any medication.

Definitely time for a Facebook/Instagram/TikTok/Etc break to give my brain and body and the cyber trolls some deep ass rest for the next 3 days since that seems to be a key number for me.

Some days you go hard

Others....not so much.

To key for me is to know which is which.

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