Life lesson to all!
So many assume that anyone who is wanting to lose weight is because they want to LOOK good, rather than FEEL good; and for me personally, I have zero desires to get myself as thin as my German frame and 5’0″ stature would allow. I don’t use fitness for vane-gain. A “nice body” is nothing more than a temporary perk, but it doesn’t speak for my motives of turning my situation around. I use Polykinetics to keep my body strong, my mind sharp, and as my outlet to the daily negatively that is out of my control; I am pro-healthy. Due to my disorders, I felt that I had wasted many years of my life obsessing over a toxic body ideology and a sole goal of being “thin”, and it was literally killing me…..inside and out.
Before I became a mother, I had spent 18 months literally working my ass off for a popular clothing company since, our then store manager, reminded our new team that if we didn’t stay “fit” or lose weight whilst working there, that we would be dismissed since she took that as a blunt sign of an employee slacking on the job….so 18 months and 97lbs later, TADA! — “Thin” for the first time really in my life, but I was simply just that………physically thin, I lacked physical strength. I didn’t feel any physically stronger than I did before losing the weight. In fact, I felt much more frail, vulnerable. My confidence went up and my anxiety went down, but I felt deep inside me that something was “missing” from what was supposed to be a cure-all to all my problems, and that was that physical strength. I dismissed my insecurities since I was merely excited to not be viewed as “fat” in the general society. In their eyes, I was healthy, but in mine, I was anything but!
Fast forwarding…..2009, I got pregnant. Yep, I was about to “lose” my 18+ months of hard retail work and my “thin” looking body in order to bring a healthy baby into the world, and still to this day, it was the best sacrifice I ever made. I gained over 100lbs with my daughter due to medical complications and a high-risk pregnancy. As much as I was a proud new mom, the 19-year obsession of getting back to “thin” began to settle in about a year after she was born; which would take me on the same horrible, mental and emotional rollercoaster I knew all too well of.
That was when I decided in January 2013 to do something completely different than what I did in the past, and to take my perspective of health and fitness in the “the opposite way”. Not to fight to be “thin” again, but to become something I felt I had never been before……..HEALTHY! First step in doing that was realizing that thin did not equal being genuinely healthy or physically fit, and to eliminate the “thin is in” garbage mentality that mainstream LOVES to shove down our throats! First step in changing my body and life, was to change the toxic perspectives…..
Being healthy and fit is not the same as thin. I’ve done Polykinetics demonstrations in fitness centers where clients were sometimes up towards 20-25lbs lighter than me, but struggled twice as hard to complete workouts that seemed effortless to myself. It was a nice visual confirmation, not only for me, but for the gym clients as well. Proving that just because someone appears to be thin doesn’t mean their body is fit, and just the opposite, just because someone looks “fatter” than you doesn’t mean you are healthier than they are.
Even today, when people look at me…….many would call me fit or healthy, and many may still call me fat, but either way, neither side can deny the physical signs that I show (not tell) that says, “yea, she squats” –It’s a feeling I haven’t had before creating Polykinetics. It was the feeling of fitness pride! A pride in KNOWING that I had consciously chosen to step-up and physically subject myself to extended periods of pain-induced time in order to EARN a healthy and fit life. Before mommyhood, I didn’t feel like I had really “earned” anything when I lost the 97lbs and 10 clothing sizes. I felt my “thinness” was nothing more than a result of my “poor” situations/circumstances that prevented me from buying anything other than essential foods in order to live. I realized that before, I never had a strong will-power…..I just had a lack of income! –My 97lbs drop had counteracted mentally into a negative daily reminder instead of this BS magical fairy tale I had imagine, and pride was the weakest out of all the emotions I was feeling back then.
That past experience automatically told me this time around, if I wanted to gain that genuine pride and true confidence in my body, regardless of its size, that I would have to physically put forth the time and effort in order to earn it.
Pride is now a feeling I get to experience every single time I push the play button on my playlist or even just walk out in public. I may not be unanimously “thin” in society’s eyes, and that’s perfectly fine with me, because in my eye’s….I am finally where I’ve always wanted to be……healthy!!
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